Tonic For The Soul
Expectations in Prayer: Lessons from a Spiritual Director
Deanna Bartalini
How do I know I am praying the right way? Is God listening? What does a good prayer time look and feel like?
Whenever we begin something new it is good to have a guide. A few months ago, I decided to start weight training after learning how important weight-bearing exercise is as we age. I could have gone off and tried to learn on my own but instead, I found someone to teach me the correct way to do this rather than go off by myself wandering around weights without a clue.
Mental prayer and meditation – that prayer we do alone, in silence can also be better done with a bit of help and guidance. This way we are not wandering around, thinking we are not doing it right.
We Begin Our Prayer
It is helpful to plan for prayer. Decide where and when you will pray. It is good if you can pray at the same time each day and in your home. Do not look for the perfect time and place. Praying two or three times a week with scripture is helpful so do not hesitate to begin even if you cannot pray this way every day.
Then, gather what you need for your prayer time. I like to keep it quite simple: Bible, journal, pen, and pencil. I use a pencil in my Bible and then a pen in my journal. Put a bookmark where you will pray.
We also need to prepare internally. If your mind takes time to quiet and you find yourself distracted in prayer I have two suggestions. One is to write down what is on your mind. The grocery list or to-do list, get whatever it is out and onto paper, ready for you to deal with when you are done. Now, if there are questions for God that you want to bring to prayer, write those down in your journal.
You can also have a word or phrase to use to come back to prayer, “Come, Holy Spirit,” “Be with me, Jesus,” or “Help me to see you,” any phrase that gives you comfort and helps you focus.
Ask the Holy Spirit to be with you in this prayer time, using a rote or spontaneous prayer. Sometimes in prayer, we have something specific we need or guidance on a problem. Tell God what you are praying for, what you need from him. Then, slowly and prayerfully read the scripture. To help read slowly, move your lips or read aloud. We are not looking for intellectual understanding, but a spiritual one. As you read, notice your response and feelings to words and phrases. If you’d like, underline them.
At this point, we enter into silence. We have read God’s Word and now we sit with him quietly for as long as we decided we would. Set your timer on your phone if you are concerned about time.
Questions about Silence
This is the part of prayer people have questions about because it is different from rote prayer. As we pray our rosary, we know we are making progress as we move from bead to bead and decade to decade. The Liturgy of the Hours is very scriptural, but again, as we move through the prayer there is a clear beginning and ending. Mental prayer is not the same. How do I know if I am doing it right? Is God paying attention? What if I don’t know the answer when I am done? When am I done?
God does not judge our prayer time. He honors it with his presence. When we show up to pray, which is a time to be present to God because we love him, he shows up. Always. He is waiting for you to stop and be with him.
It is helpful to think about why we pray as we try to answer those questions. We pray to be with God, to honor him, and to show him reverence. We also pray to learn more about him, and ourselves, and understand his will for us. That phrase, “his will” can seem a bit scary, as if God will suddenly ask you to sell all your belongings and go live with the poor. He may, but more often it is focused on your vocation and how to live it out more fully.
This all takes time. It is not (typically) a quick way to hear God, make the requested changes in my life, and be healed and done, like a task on a list. Boom, done! Instead, God reveals things to us slowly, at a pace that will help us grow in trust and faith and feel secure in where he is leading us.
There have been times in my life when I thought God was throwing me into a situation I was ill-prepared for but once I slowed down and stopped reacting, I saw that I had been prepared. One of the fruits of prayer is learning how God works uniquely in your life.
Come To Prayer with One Expectation
God always shows up. That is the one expectation to hold onto strongly. My ability to pray, what I perceive is my holiness in prayer, or how well I focus is not the measure of a good prayer time. Did I have the right intention? Was I as fully present as possible to God in this time?? God knows our hearts. He also knows that we are distracted, sometimes by the very people or work he gave us.
God is always present when you go to him. If we believe that and keep it in the forefront of our minds, our prayer time will help us.
All our questions may not be answered; we may not receive a new mission or deep insight into a problem during or even right after our prayer time. It is important to be open to surrendering your need for an immediate response.
Prayer Takes Time
Each time we pray we are drawn more closely towards God. We gain wisdom, understanding, and perseverance to live more united to him. We begin to see ourselves more clearly and God reveals to us the areas where we need help, sins to remove, and personality traits that could be smoothed out a bit. All of this is done with love and patience as we continue to give ourselves over to him in prayer.
Prayer is a way to thank God for giving us everything. It is also a way to honor him by allowing him to form us into the person he created us to be.
Do not judge your prayer time. Approach it with reverence, remember God is with you in the prayer, and know that he wants to spend time with you. Your desire to be with him is what is important.
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