Editor’s Note: This is the sixth in a series of articles written by Dr. Edward Sri on Saint John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility.
The following is based on Dr. Sri's book, Men, Women and the Mystery of Love
The Freedom to Love
For example, consider what happens when a single man becomes married. As a single man, "Bob" is able to decide what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and how he wants to do it. He sets his own schedule. He decides where he lives. He can quit a job and move to another part of the country in an instant if he so desires. He can keep his apartment messy. He can spend his money however he pleases. And he can eat when he wants, go out when he wants, and go to bed when he wants. He is used to making life decisions on his own.
Marriage, however, will significantly change Bob's life. If Bob decides all on his own to quit his job, buy a new car, go on a weekend vacation, or sell the home, this is probably not going to go over very well with his wife! Now that Bob is married, all the decisions that he used to make by himself must be made in union with his wife, and with a view to what is best for their marriage and family.
In self-giving love, a man recognizes in a profound way that his life is not his own. He has surrendered his own will to his beloved. His own plans, dreams, and preferences are not completely abandoned, but they are now put in a new perspective. They are subordinated to the good of his wife and any children that may flow from their marriage. How Bob spends his time and money and how he orders his life is no longer a matter of his own private choosing. His family becomes the primary reference point for everything he does.
This is the beauty of self-giving love. As a single man, Bob had great autonomy he could order his life however he wanted. But because of his love, Bob freely chose to give up that autonomy, to limit his freedom, by committing himself to his wife and her good. Love is so powerful that it impels him to want to surrender his will to his beloved in this profound way.
Indeed, many marriages today would be much stronger if only we understood and remembered the kind of self-giving love that we originally signed up for. Instead of selfishly pursuing our own preferences and desires, we must remember that when we made our vows, we freely chose to surrender we lovingly wanted to surrender our wills to the good of our spouse and our children. As Wojtyla explains, "The fullest, the most uncompromising form of love consists precisely in self-giving, in making one's inalienable and nontransferable 'I' someone else's property" (p. 97).
The Law of the Gift
Now we come to the greatest mystery of self-giving love. At the heart of this gift of self is a fundamental conviction that in surrendering my autonomy to my beloved, I gain so much more in return. By uniting myself to another, my own life is not diminished but is profoundly enriched. This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another" (p. 126).
This is what Wojtyla calls the "law of ekstasis" or the law of self-giving: "The lover 'goes outside' the self to find a fuller existence in another"
In an age of vigorous individualism, however, this profound point from Wojtyla may be difficult to understand. Why should I go outside myself to find happiness? Why would I ever want to commit myself to someone else in this radical way? Why would I want to give up the freedom to do whatever I want with my life? These are the questions of modern man.
However, from a Christian perspective, life is not about "doing whatever I want." It is about my relationships about fulfilling my relationship with God and with the people God has placed in my life. In fact, this is where we find fulfillment in life: in living our relationships well. But to live our relationships well, we must often make sacrifices, surrendering our own will to serve the good of others. This is why we discover a deeper happiness in life when we give ourselves in this way, for we are living the way God made us to live, which is the way God Himself lives: in total, self-giving, committed love. As one of Wojtyla's favorite lines from Vatican II says, "Man finds himself only by making himself a sincere gift to others" (Gaudium et Spes, no. 24).
This statement from Vatican II is especially applicable to marriage, where self-giving love between two human persons is seen most profoundly. In committing myself to another person in betrothed love, I certainly limit my freedom to "do whatever I want." But I at the same time open myself up to an even greater freedom: the freedom to love. As Wojtyla explains, "Love consists of a commitment which limits one's freedom it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one's freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one's freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love" (p. 135).
Therefore, while the modern individualist may see self-giving love in marriage as something negative and restrictive, Christians view such limitations as liberating. What I really want to do in life is to love my God, my wife and kids, and my neighbor for in these relationships I find my happiness. And if I am to love my wife and kids and be totally committed to them, I must be free from having my selfish desires dictate my life and rule my household. In other words, I must be free from the tyranny of "doing whatever I want." Only then am I free to live the way God made me. Only then am I free to be happy. Only then am I free to love.
Dr. Edward Sri is a nationally-known Catholic speaker who appears regularly on EWTN and is the author of several Catholic best selling books, including The New Rosary in Scripture: Biblical Insights for Praying the 20 Mysteries (Servant) and Men, Women and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights on John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility (Servant).
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