Editor’s Note: This is the fourth in a series of articles written by Dr. Edward Sri on Saint John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility.
Is It Really So?
Furthermore, not only do feelings not have the task of seeking truth, but feelings also can be so powerful that they cloud the way we think about a person. Wojtyla explains that when we are carried away by our emotions, sentimentality may hinder our ability to know that person as he or she really is.
This is why Wojtyla stresses that in any emotional attraction, the question of truth about the person is crucial: "Is it really so?" We should be asking ourselves, "Does he or she really have these qualities and virtues I'm so attracted to?" "Are we really as good of a fit for one another as I feel we are?" "Is he or she truly worthy of all my trust?" "Is there a problem in our relationship that I'm overlooking?"
Our feelings do not address these important questions. In fact, our feelings often get us to avoid these questions, leaving us with a distorted and exaggerated perception of the person.
"This is why in any attraction . . . the question of the truth about the person towards whom it is felt is so important. We must reckon with the tendency, produced by the whole dynamic of emotional life, for the [person] to divert the question 'is it really so?' In these circumstances the [person] does not enquire whether the other person really possess the values visible to partial eyes, but mainly whether the newborn feeling for that person is a true emotion" (p. 78).
This, again, does not mean that feelings are bad. But they cannot be the primary criterion for discerning the honest truth about another person or for clearly evaluating a relationship.
Out of Proportion
This tendency to be swept away by our emotions and to avoid questions of truth is characteristic of sentimental love. We tend to exaggerate the value of the person we have feelings for, downplay their faults, and ignore any problems we have in the relationship.
Here, Wojtyla makes an amazing statement about how much our feelings can control our perception of the person to whom we're so attracted. "In the eyes of a person sentimentally committed to another person, the value of the beloved . . . grows enormously - as a rule out of all proportion to his or her real value."
Did you catch that? Wojtyla doesn't say that in the beginning stages of sentimental love we might sometimes exaggerate the value of the person. He says this happens as a rule - we do it all the time! And he didn't say that we tend to exaggerate the person's value only slightly. We tend to idealize the value of the person "out of all proportion" to whom he or she is in reality!
Therefore, we must enter relationships with our eyes wide open. If we naively say we're not idealizing the other person at all, it's probably a sign of how far we have already drifted from reality. In these beginning stages of love, if we are so quick to notice our favorite three or four qualities in our beloved, we should be just as quick to admit that we are likely falling into the tendency to exaggerate these qualities. As Wojtyla explains, "A variety of values are bestowed upon the [beloved] which he or she does not necessarily possess in reality. These are ideal values, not real ones" (p. 112).
Why do we tend to idealize those we're attracted to? These "ideal values" are the ones that we long, with all our heart, to find in another person someday. They exist in our deepest wishes, desires, and dreams. When we finally meet someone with whom there is the slightest bit of chemistry, our emotions tend to rapidly call up these ideal values and project them onto that person.
Using People Emotionally
When we speak of a man using a woman, we tend to think of this in terms of him using her for sexual pleasure. However, Wojtyla highlights that men and women can use each other for emotional pleasure as well.
When we speak of a man using a woman, we tend to think of this in terms of him using her for sexual pleasure. However, Wojtyla highlights that men and women can use each other for emotional pleasure as well. A devoutly Christian man and woman can have a completely chaste dating relationship, but still be using each other for the "good feelings" they experience when together, for the emotional security of having a boyfriend/girlfriend, or for the pleasure they derive from imagining their wedding day with this other person and hoping the other will finally be "the one."
If I fall into such sentimental idealization, my beloved is not truly the recipient of my affections. Rather, the other person is more of an opportunity for me to enjoy these powerful emotional reactions stirring within my heart. In this case, I do not truly love the person for her own sake, but I end up using her for the emotional pleasure I derive from being with her. As Wojtyla explains, the beloved who is idealized "becomes merely the occasion for an eruption in the [person's] emotional consciousness of the values which he or she longs with all his heart to find in another person" (p. 112).
Disillusionment
Perhaps the most tragic effect of sentimental idealization is that we end up not even really knowing the person we're so attracted to. For example, a man in sentimental love may seek to be close to his beloved, spend a lot of time with her, talk with her, and even go to Mass with her and pray with her. However, if he has idealized her, in reality, he remains quite distant from her — for the powerful affection he feels for her does not depend on her true value, but only on the "ideal values" that he has projected onto her.
Inevitably, this unchecked sentimentality will end in great disillusionment. For when the real person cannot live up to the ideal, the strong feelings will begin to wane, and there will not be much left for the relationship to stand on. The lover will be quite disappointed in their beloved (p. 113). Hence, even though the couple may give every outward appearance of being emotionally close to each other, they remain in fact quite divided from each other (p. 114). They may not really know each other personally, and they may even be using each other for the emotional pleasure they derive from such idealization.
Dr. Edward Sri is a nationally-known Catholic speaker who appears regularly on EWTN and is the author of several Catholic best selling books, including The New Rosary in Scripture: Biblical Insights for Praying the 20 Mysteries (Servant) and Men, Women and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights on John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility (Servant).
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